Set boundaries

Draw the lines early

Agree the basics while he can still think straight: you bring drinks and food at set times, you do not answer to shouting, and you are not available as a human pillow.

If he is already ill, say it gently and write it on a piece of paper by the bed. It is far harder to argue with paper.

The bell rule

A bell for emergencies sounds cruel until you discover it replaces the shouting. Agree what counts as an emergency before it goes anywhere near the bedside table.

• An emergency: he cannot breathe properly, he is in pain, he has fallen.
• Not an emergency: a biscuit, the remote, a view on the weather.

Say it kindly

• "I'll bring you a drink at three."
• "I can't do that, but I can do this."
• "I'm going to sit down for ten minutes now."

A sample set of house rules

Pin these up, or just agree them over the first cup of tea.

• Drinks and food come at set times, not on shout.
• Questions about the thermometer are answered once.
• The bell is for emergencies, not biscuits.
• Everyone sleeps at night, including the carer.
• Visitors come by arrangement, and by arrangement they leave.

Holding the line

He will test the boundaries, usually at the exact moment you sit down. You do not need to win the argument, only to be consistent.

I know it feels rotten. I'll be there at six.

That one's not on the list, but I'll make you a tea at four.

Repeat as often as necessary, in the same calm voice. It works better than it sounds.

When boundaries should bend

Boundaries are there to keep you well enough to keep helping. They are not there to leave him in danger.

If he has trouble breathing, chest pain, confusion or a temperature that will not come down, drop the rules. Ring NHS 111, or 999 in an emergency, and stay with him.

Common questions

Is it unkind to say no?

Not if you say it kindly and offer an alternative. "I can't do that, but I can do this" is generous and clear.

What if he ignores the rules?

Repeat them, calmly, as often as it takes. If you give way once, the rule is gone. Consistency is the whole trick.

What about work calls and visitors?

Decide those rules too. Resting properly is part of recovering, and the office will survive a few days without him.

A quick recap

• Agree the basics before the groaning starts.
• Choose what counts as an emergency.
• Write the rules down and put them by the bed.
• Offer an alternative whenever you say no.
• Drop every rule if he is seriously unwell.