Asked by UtterlyCrushed ·
How many blankets does a proper case of man flu need?
Ah, the legendary man flu, a condition so severe that it has never been documented by a single medical journal but is regularly confirmed by the sufferer's own sworn testimony. Rest assured, the blanket question is one of the great unsolved mysteries of modern medicine, and you have come to the right place.
The diagnosis
Your sniffles have reached Stage Seven: the Nobly Suffering Hero. Your forehead radiates heat like a volcanic vent, your voice has dropped to a tragic whisper worthy of a Shakespearean deathbed, and you have just used the phrase 'I don't think I'll make it through the night' while reaching for a tissue. The nation's sofas hold their breath as you prepare for your final, blanket-swaddled performance.
Survival tips
- Stack at least three blankets, then add a fourth for emotional support. Heat is important, but so is looking like a burrito of pure suffering that everyone can see from across the room.
- Keep fluids within arm's reach, preferably in a mug that you can lift with dramatic effort so your partner feels appropriately guilty about not bringing it to you sooner.
- Issue a clear, formal announcement that you are 'resting' and will be taking questions only in the form of soup delivery. Bonus points for a weak wave from the sofa.
Reality check
Jokes aside, two or three layers is plenty, and feeling chilled with a fever is normal, so keep the blankets handy but don't overheat yourself. Drink plenty of water, rest properly, and use paracetamol or ibuprofen as directed on the packet if you need it. If your symptoms are severe, you're getting worse after a week, or you have chest pain, trouble breathing, or a fever that won't quit, please see a doctor or pharmacist.
Important disclaimer
This is a lighthearted guide, not medical advice, so when in doubt, call your GP, NHS 111, or local health service. And to the long-suffering partner reading this: you are a saint, the blankets are your reward, and the medal is on its way. Please don't let him near the thermometer without supervision.